Jennifer,
It’s an interesting feeling one gets when someone’s done as much damage to a person as you’ve done to me. I don’t honestly think you can fathom how much I loved and cared about you, just for it to be thrown down because you were insecure about the fact that I had to do my fucking job. I told you well beforehand that it would be a little rocky at first, because of work, and you didn’t even wait a fucking week before moving on. That says a lot for how much you “loved” me. Yeah, I fucked up initially. I did it because I was scared that after all the work I had done to finally get you out here, I was going to lose you. So, I clammed up. Can you blame me?
Do I still love you? Of course I do. But, there’s nothing I can or will do about that, now. You’ve effectively shown me how much you loved me by how easily you jumped right over to my best fucking friend. You didn’t even give me a chance. You didn’t even give us a chance. One week is not a chance, by any stretch of the imagination. So, now I’m regretful and resentful. The amount of time, money, and energy I wasted on you, just so you could be with Jason… It’s pathetic. The sad thing is I knew it was going to end up like this. It was my worst fear that you would end up with him. You know that… and you repeatedly assured me that there was no way that would happen. Hell, if we had tried, it probably would’ve been all for nothing. Chances are you probably would’ve fucked around with him behind my back. Too much time I had to leave you two alone and I noticed really quickly that you didn’t waste a fucking minute.
You have no idea how hurt I really am. You’ll never know, because I’ll never show it farther than this note. You’ll never get to see who I am or what I’m like outside of “serious mode” … because, every time I look at you, it pisses me off. The fact that you even said you loved me, makes me furious. I honestly believe that you don’t give a shit about me or my feelings. There’s no way you can. Otherwise, you would’ve given our relationship more than just a passing glance as Jason came into the picture. I wanted to go watch sunsets with you... More than anything did I want to just hold you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you while the sun dropped behind the mountains. I even went around the area and found the perfect spot to do it. It was going to be a surprise … I planned to actually blindfold you and lead you to the spot by keeping my arm around you the whole way there. And then taking the blindfold off to reveal a breath-taking sunset over the mountains. By far, the most romantic idea I’ve ever had. And it was coming. I was just waiting for the right sunset, so you could look at our favorite scene and see for your own eyes who I am. Instead, you let the sunset on us. Unfortunately, it never rose again.
What am I supposed to believe? If you really feel bad about all of this, you sure as hell don’t show it. I loved you so much, and I really believed that you loved me too… Just to get you out here and have you change your mind? What I’m wondering is what happens when you realize that Jason’s in the same boat that I’m in? When crunch time happens, with work, he’ll have to do the same shit. You going to up and drop him like a rock when he has too many responsibilities, too? I never lied to you about my feelings. I never lied when I told you about all the things we’d do together. The fact that you left me because I had to focus my time on work just so we could fucking survive, due to all the money I had to spend, just to fucking get you out here, drives me mad. We would’ve had a chance, but you didn’t even give it time. Jason opened his arms, and you fucking jumped right into them. Didn’t give a damn about me or my feelings. After I beat myself up over shit that I said because I was scared … I didn’t want to lose you. I never would’ve told you anything that I said yesterday afternoon if I wanted you to leave or if I didn’t want to be with you. I was even willing to borrow money from my fucking parents for you … Just for you. Something I said I would never do, I would’ve done… Just so I didn’t lose you. I want to believe that you loved me, but I can’t. I can’t believe anything but what I see. And what I see is that you did exactly what your mother said you would do. You used me to get out of your shit hole, and when I wasn’t able to give you what you wanted, because I had responsibilities that I had to take care of to make sure that I could take care of you, you were so easily able to just drop me. As if all the commitments … the words … the time … as if they all meant nothing. After all we’ve been through, I can’t believe how little effort you put into this … and how quickly you moved on.
I was
frustrated. I knew you weren’t happy, and I didn’t know what to do, because
there was no way I could just let work go. I’m the one who told Jason to do
what he did. I said some stupid shit because I wasn’t thinking. I don’t blame
him, but I didn’t think he would take me seriously, either. I told
you how we could’ve worked it out, and it didn’t even phase you. You had
already made your mind up. I believe you had your mind made up well before you
finally told me so. I’m not going to ask what the fuck I did wrong, because I
know. It’s been the same thing the last three times. I have to do what I have
to do, otherwise, I have to go back home to
Why am I writing this? Because, if I don’t get my feelings out there somehow, I’m going to fucking lose it. I just can’t talk to you face to face about it, right now. I’m too hurt… Too angry. I’ll be leaving soon, and you’ll probably very rarely ever see or hear from me again, so I have to say what I need to say, now. Even after you read this, I doubt you’ll fully understand the extent of my pain. I jumped through a lot of hoops to make this work. I knocked down every road block that got in our way, to get you out here. You leaving me was far too easy for you, if you really loved me as much as you say. And I don’t want you to believe that I hate you, because I don’t. But, I also don’t want you to believe that I could ever look you in the eyes again without feeling my insides twist and knot up to the point where I’d practically choke from the pain. I wish I could say we built some good memories together, but you didn’t give me enough time. So, I wish the two of you the best. It’s all I can do. And you meant more to me than any other girl I’ve ever been with. Getting past this won’t be easy for me.