Jeremy's Blog

I’ve come to the realization that I have a morbid curiosity with some elements of the past that I really shouldn’t be concerned with. And as I keep looking at these things, over and over again, it upsets me … when I’m in a position to where those things shouldn’t even matter.

I’m well aware of how things are now, and that’s all that should matter. Yet, I keep digging up old relics that aren’t even … accurate of the way things were. This is (obviously) not healthy behavior.

But, why does it upset me? The emotional state of mind that looking at these things puts me in can only be described as anger. Anger for the way things were, anger for how things went, and anger for the way these things ended. But, if they hadn’t ended at all, I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in now.

I believe, in this case, the past has no relevance to the future. Nothing that happened then will really have any effect on what is happening now or what will happen in the time to come. It’s hard to believe things turned out the way they did, though.

It’s time to move on and stop dwelling on these things.

For the record, I’m being incredibly vague for a reason. And to those of you who have been playing along at home for a while, I’m not referring to any of my past relationships, although now that I’ve re-read the above, it sounds a lot like something that would be about one or more of them.

As the year is starting to come to a close, I’ve been pondering more and more about making a handful of New Year’s Resolutions … There are a couple things especially that I’ll be making a commitment to do. I’ll put up the list here, on January 1st.

How do we measure success?

Should I measure success in the fact that I have an amazing and successful job? The fact that my job consists of something that I love to do? The fact that I’m making good money doing it?

Should I measure success in the fact that I have an amazing family that cares so much about me? The fact that my parents can’t wait until the 23rd, when I’ll be home? The fact that they’re so proud of me for becoming everything I wanted to be?

Should I measure success in the fact that I have grown and matured into the person I am today? The fact that I’ve overcome my old nature of having a grudge against the world? The fact that I’ve taken the teachings from being a Boy Scout and tried to apply them to my everyday life?

Should I measure success in the fact that I have been blessed with the talents and abilities that I have at such a young age? The fact that I was given such an amazing opportunity at only 19? The fact that I’ve learned and done so much before ever becoming an “adult”?

Should I measure success in the fact that I’ve acquired quite a large quantity over friends of the years? The fact that a lot of them, being from Alabama, have still made efforts to keep up with me all the way out in Colorado?

Should I measure success in the fact that an amazing girl has made her way into my life … and my heart? The fact that, even though she’s so far away, she’s still closer to me than anyone else in the world?

I’d say so. I’ve been very fortunate. Sometimes the simplest things can be an eye-opener to allow you to see things differently … more clearly. I’m … simply amazed.

It’s been brought to my attention that I may possibly have a stalker. Don’t believe me? Read for yourself.

That is … incredibly freaky.

Don’t give up. It may hurt now, but in the end you’ll be the happiest man alive.

Okay. It’s officially cold, now.

Personally, I love it when you can be listening to music and all of a sudden your favorite player, be it an internet radio station, or your own personal playlist, throws you a curve. The last five songs or so that I’ve listened to are so appropriate to my current mood / mindset that it’s almost scary. And they’ve been random, which is the part that’s made it scary.

When songs have a special impact on you, based on what’s going on in your life, no matter what the song or situation is, magic happens. I really believe that. It’s really just an amazing feeling. What was a really cruddy day was turned around by a certain sequence of events and then amplified by the fact that Winamp seems to “know” how I feel. Yeah, I know … That’s odd. But, it’s true.

Normally, I’d list the songs I’ve been listening to, but I’m going to leave a little to the imagination this time. If you know anything about me and how I’ve been lately, you can easily guess what type of songs I’m referring to.

Anyway. It’s a lot later than I intended to stay up, these songs just kind of snatched me up before I could go to bed.

Goodnight.

Before I turn in to bed, this evening, I’d like to take a moment to say “Sweet Dreams” to all of you who might be going to bed, have gone to bed, or may be waking up in the next couple of hours. The last couple of weeks have been long, stressful, and trying to a lot of us, for a lot of different reasons. So, sweet dreams to all of you. It may not be of much help, but I hope tomorrow will be brighter for all of you.

Thanks, again. All of you. You know who you are.

Goodnight.

Morpheus: “What is ‘real’? How do you define ‘real’?” ~ The Matrix

It’s a sad day when a person can’t really be who he or she is. I have to suffer this problem, everyday. Time constraints, stress, pressure, schedules. It’s the life of a programmer. But, every person has a face for work and a face for living. I’ve seen enough of it to know. Some are lucky enough to be able to use the same in both situations. Others, like myself, are not. Depending on the situation, you sometimes have to be a completely different person. Trust me, there’s nothing bad about this, it’s just another inconvenience in life that you have to become accustomed to… Otherwise, you will let one part take over both scenarios.

“A man with friends is no failure.”

I have no idea who originally said that, or if that’s the way it’s put. It’s just what comes to mind. It’s also one of the truer statements I’ve heard in a long time. As painful as they are, I personally love situations like the most recent one. It forces your “fake” friends … The ones who really don’t give a shit about you, and are really out for their own gain … To rear their ugly heads. It also forces your “real” friends … The ones who are honestly and truly there for you, no matter what … To really shine. And I had a handful of people who really shined over the past couple of days, and I really cannot thank any of them enough. I know what their reaction is, too… “No thanks necessary.” It’s what friends are for, and I feel comfort in knowing that they’ll be there if something like this happens again. Just like I hope they feel comfort in knowing that I’ll be there, in the case it does to them.

Be yourself. I know that’s cliched and highly overused, but it’s true. Whether or not I or anyone else wants to accept it, who I am when I’m working is apart of who I am as a person. If that’s not acceptable to you, I’ve got two words for you. Screw you. I will adjust my lifestyle for no man, woman, or anyone. “That’s a bad attitude to have, Jeremy.” That’s bullshit. I’m not out to impress you, whoever might be reading this, or anyone else. I’m here to be who I am, take it or leave it. The sheer fact that I have as many “real” friends as I do, must mean that I’m doing something right. I admit, I have my problems… We all do. But, I feel proud that I’m “cleaner” than over 75% of the guys my age (rough estimate, probably more ). The point I’m trying to make is if you know how someone wants something to be, don’t violate who you are to try and give it to them. Unless, of course, you want that change yourself. If you want things to be that way, by all means, that should be even more motivation to get you from point A to point B. Don’t sell yourself short, and don’t live your life attempting to be someone else.

If you have to fake it, to make someone happy, you’re walking down the wrong path. Your feelings may be real, but your actions aren’t, and I’d rather have someone who genuinely loves and cares for me who’s being all of who they are than someone who’s trying to make me happy by being someone they’re not.

Of course, this is all entirely relative. People don’t change easily, and when they do, they have an alarming tendency to revert back to their old ways. A hawk may try to swim with the dolphins… and even if he succeeds, even if he enjoys it, something will eventually take him back to the skies. In order to make a successful transition, you have to actively know that you want it. If you don’t, you won’t put forth any effort, and you can’t succeed if you don’t even try.

Once a hawk, always a hawk.

My mood right now can only be described by one of my current favorite songs …

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