Jeremy's Blog

Onyx’s latest livejournal includes the 10 ways to marry the wrong person, with her own little personal insights to our relationship. So, I figured I’d … follow the trend? So, for your viewing (tort|pleas)ure, here’s the 10 ways to marry the wrong person, with my personal insights added after each point.

10 ways to MARRY the WRONG person

With the current divorce rate at over 50 percent and climbing, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with? To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize these 10 insights…

..1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married.

The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married!

In fact, you actually can expect people to change after their married… for the worse! So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, etc…make sure you can live with these as they are now.

People may change temporarily to make you happy, but they will soon revert back to their set ways. so be happy with what you have now and stop living in a fantasy world.

Now that I look back across the (very few) relationships that I have had, I seemed to have been trying to do this almost habituously. Anyone who’s talked to me about my currently relationship a bit more in-depth would know that I’ve referred to this attempt as “fishing in my own pond” because all of the people I’ve previously been with have had very little to nothing in common with me, and some of them have had attitudes that I was hoping would change as we went along, but things just ended up getting worse. Kind of like a descending spiral of flames. With Onyx, everything just seems to click. Hell, we spent almost three hours on the phone, last night. I don’t talk to my friends for that damn long, on the phone. There’s only one thing I’d really change about her, and that would be her smoking. But, I’m dealing with it, because everything else about her is just so … perfect that I can easily overlook that habit. And if she commits to quitting later, that would be wonderful… If she doesn’t, I wouldn’t love her any less.

..2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love” often means, “I’m in lust”. Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character? More so, “love” is simply lust in disguise, so watch yourself and learn to distinguish the difference.

Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does she treat people she doesn’t have to be nice to? How is she around your family and friends? Does she do volunteer work? Give charity? Does he or she put too much emphasis on material things rather than on you?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what she says?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does she enjoy life? Is she emotionally stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

Honestly, there a few things here that she doesn’t exactly make the cut on, but I think our relationship is improving a lot of these. I believe I’ve been very supportive of her in all of her different phases. And I take the good with the bad, because life isn’t always about roses. All in all, I believe I make her happy, and I know she makes me happy. So, if we can work on some of these things together, then I know we can make things happen.

..3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most.

Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t “get it.” Tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved — to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. To meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and off.” Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy.

When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen. But be forewarned, too much will lead to total dependency and sometimes result in her taking you for granted.

To put it bluntly, I get it. I have responsibilities that I have to take care of, but I know what a woman needs. And I’m not above stepping away from my work long enough to go talk to her and ask her how she’s feeling today, etc. I know these little things go a long way. And I’m particularly atune to surprises. I don’t see anything wrong with an absolutely random hug or kiss as I’m passing through to get something or do something else, or whatever.

..4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share common life goals and priorities.

There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re “living for,” while you’re single — and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.

This is the true definition of a “soul mate.” A soul mate is a goal mate– two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

She may not exactly be consciously aware of her goals, but I know she has a creative mind that just needs to be positively influenced. I’m a programmer because I love what I do… The fact that I make pretty good money is just a side-effect. But, if I can support the two of us to the point where she doesn’t have to work, I’d prefer it that way. I’d much rather inspire her to continue to develop her writing, music, and artistic talents.

..5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.

Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.

Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never
cited as a main factor. It is not necessary to take a “test drive” in
order to find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your
homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally
compatible, you don’t have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

Agreeing with her real quick, I don’t think we’d be able to wait until marriage, either.

But, I do believe that we’ve taken a lot of time to discover what’s really there. I mean, with her, I’m not afraid to talk about anything. With every other person I’ve been with, I’ve always been afraid that if I hit the wrong subject, they’ll be offended and just leave (and it has happened on several occasions).

Also, I’d like to point out that I am still a virgin, and I don’t base my relationships off of sexual desire. I’m looking for much more than that.

..6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.

People often times, hook up with someone due to superficial reasons. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she emotionally stable?” Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

I believe she’s definitely very loyal to me, as I am to her. And I feel like I could truly trust her with anything, just like I hope she can with me. As for her comment about not trusting life, I believe that the two of us are doing so well together that we could work out anything life throws at us.

..7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Am i totally honest with this person about everything? Do i tend to hide things about myself or the things i do, with this person?

Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!

Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say or do because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a real problem with the relationship!!!

Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person.

There’s a big difference between controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

After the initial hyperness wore off, I settled into a calm and relaxing stage that I just haven’t left. Everything feels right. I know the warning signals, because I’ve gotten them before, even when I just ignored them. But, this whole time, there’s been nothing that’s concerned me that the two of us haven’t talked about and worked out.

..8. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table.

Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

Agreeing with her again, this really is what we do best. Not long after we offically got together, we had a long discussion about potential problems and were easily able to talk things out and found solutions to everything. And I’m always supportive of her and she knows that my shoulder is always open to her if she needs to lean on me when she’s having a rough time. Just like I know she’d do the same for me.

..9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy when you are single, you’ll probably be unhappy when you are married…and would probably get worse as the years go by.

Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will make it worse!!! If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are still single. You’ll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

Honestly, I don’t really have any personal problems or unhappiness. The one thing I can say about my life is that it really has been good, for the majority of it. And she makes it even better.

..10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in triangle.

To be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else, while trying to develop another relationship. A woman who has a child prior to the current relationship or is currently taking care of a family member are classic examples of triangulation. Meaning, you are simply NOT the number one priority in their life! People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.

Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. Again, you will not be their number one priority. And that’s no basis for a marriage….at least not for a long lasting one.

so choose your partners well….good luck!

The only real dependency that she has that worries me at all is the one to her mother. And I know that she says she can overcome it if she has to, but I’m not exactly sure if she can. And my take on the situation is that I’m not here to make her mother happy. I’m here to make her happy. If I can manage to still be myself and make her mother happy, then that’s all fine and good. But, if I can’t, I honestly couldn’t care less. And I know it’s rough if your family dislikes your spouse, but what kind of family do you have if they can’t look past that? I mean, my mother strongly disliked Samantha, but she was very nice and accepting of it when I got back together with her. And she didn’t even give me an “I told you so” when we split up again.

All in all, she means a lot to me … and I love her. I really do. It’s so wonderful to finally be with someone who actually understands me.

You can read Onyx’s opinion on the situation, too.