Jeremy's Blog

This is a public response to what was posted over at Jennifer’s LiveJournal. I’m putting it up here, because I can draft my stuff here, and I’ll probably do that often since I’m going between this and other things I have to be doing. This is just going to clear up some of the nonsense that she’s put up due to either 1.) mis-understandings; or 2.) bullshit that Jason’s drilling into her head now. Off we go.

You know, for someone who said he wouldn’t fuck me around, Jeremy’s sure done an awful good job of it.

I was looking through crap today and discovered he removed my ability to read the JoS forums. While I pretty much expected him to be an ass about it, it pisses me off that I did more work on the thing than anyone else and yet I get thrown away like a month old pizza. And they’ll be happily using my ideas while they call me a bitch and whatever other names they can think of. Providing, of course, that they even get anything much done without me. (Yes I know that sounds egotistical, but I think I had twice as many posts as anyone else on there, although of course now I can’t check.)

Nothing bad has or will be said about you in the JoS Forums. But, this project has been going on as a personal thing for me, since long before you ever came into the picture. Since long before ANYONE on that project, besides Brice, ever came into the picture. After the way I was treated, you should’ve more than expected this, though. And anyone new on the scene can check older entries in this blog for full explanations as to what I’m talking about. Also, our current most active Wizard is Steel. You reached a point where you got too lazy and didn’t feel like putting any effort into it anymore, just like everything else you do, apparently.

More importantly, if it turns out that he got John to fire Jason, I’ll be even more screwed.

Did I not say that I wasn’t going to do this? Do you think I’m going to lie about that kind of thing? When I said I wasn’t going to fuck you two over (even after everything that was done to fuck me over), I was telling the truth. As a matter of fact, I have work for Jason to do that I e-mailed him about this morning. That reminds me… I haven’t got a response. If Jason gets fired, it’s not going to be because of me. It’s going to be because he’s not doing his job.

Though, money wouldn’t be as tight as it is if he hadn’t made Jason be the one to buy all the shit he wanted to get for me. I mean how fucked up is that? If you’re gonna get shit for your girlfriend, shouldn’t you be the one buying it instead of getting someone else to?

Uhh… First of all, buying those things wasn’t my idea. In my mind, after all we’ve been through, I thought that we were above stupid shit like material possessions and money. Excuse me if I was a bit more concerned about having the money we needed to live off of, considering Jason has (and he’ll admit this himself) an extremely alarming tendency to just blow money.

Though I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, given it was Jason who actually risked his ass to come get me because Jeremy couldn’t be bothered to. So he had responsibilities, that didn’t keep him from making Jason ignore his responsibilities to come get me, and by the way risking his job in the process. I don’t know about you, but to my way of thinking, real friends don’t endanger their friends’ jobs just for kicks.

Again, Jason’s idea. I was waiting and trying to find other methods, and he suggested that he could go get you. Matter of fact, I put my ass on the line to make sure that he wouldn’t get caught and/or fired, the entire time he’s gone. I was more than prepared to take the heat for Jason, and if he tells you any different, he’s a fucking liar. I told him personally, after the first time he came back because he got busted in Kansas for no insurance that as long as he took care of me, I’d do everything in my power to take care of him. This wasn’t “just for kicks” … This was because I loved you, and he was being a good person and helping me out because he understood how I felt. Hell, I’m putting my ass on the line, just by posting this here.

Speaking of fucking people over, I appreciate you making that huge public article in a place where my boss could read it and not only get me in trouble, but Jason, too. Thanks for that one.

He talks about how I supposedly never loved him and just used him to get away from my mom. Of course I loved him, because I was under the delusion that he’d give me as much attention in person as he did online and on the phone. Or maybe he thinks people are supposed to ignore everyone they live with. The sad thing is, I’ve had more conversations and just plain human contact since he left than I had while he was here.

Apparently, you don’t truly understand the concept of stress and pressure. Let me give you a perfect example. This morning, a very critical meeting was taking place where some things needed to be shown. Some of said things were my responsibility, and I’m way behind, due to all the emotional bullshit. When I arrived at the office today, I originally had to complete what should’ve been two hours of work or so in thirty fucking minutes. That, my friends, is pressure. You were supposed to understand the kind of shit that I go through, and how much work, stress, pressure, etc. is placed on me. And I told you, repeatedly that it was going to be a little rough to begin with, but I promised you that it would get better.

And before he left, he talked about how he worked his ass off trying to make sure he could provide for me. Well, we’ve all heard that story before. How many doctors have ended up getting divorced and having their wives take the kids because they never bothered to pay any attention to the ones they were providing for?

Again, I told you it wasn’t always going to be like that. I’m very aware of how things are in my life and I know how they’re going to turn out, if everything goes as planned. I’ve grown up a little more since I’ve been out here, and I now realize that you can’t take the easy way out all the time, because it just leads to more headache and frustration, in the end. I’m working hard to make sure that I don’t spend the rest of my life working like I work, now. I’m not a doctor, and my profession doesn’t always require me to be like one, but we’re sitting on the bridge smack in the middle of a shitload of work and not near enough time to do it in. Yet, we pull it off, because we’re all dedicated individuals who not only love what they do, but because we work together so well that things just click. You gave up on me too easily, especially after I realized how bad I was fucking up, and made an attempt to correct my mistakes.

The sad thing is, I came pretty damn close to going back to him the night he left, prior to his little temper tantrum where he broke his mouse. The one thing that kept me from it was the fact that he’s only capable of being part of the time what Jason is all the time, and that’s giving him the benefit of the doubt here considering I’ve yet to see it for myself.

If you had any idea what I’ve been through over the course of the past two weeks, the fact that I didn’t completely lose it and do a lot more than that would surprise you. The body and mind can only take so much pressure, and mine partially gave weigh that night, after some of the things that I heard. But, that’s fine. Jason can keep on being exactly what you want him to be, full-time. It would’ve been impossible for me to do everything I needed to do and still please you, and he doesn’t have to do half as much as I do, and he still won’t be able to. And I can tell this already, just by the lack of anything getting done and the lack of response John and I have both gotten today. So, he’ll sacrafice everything for you, and you’ll be screwed, because he doesn’t have any sense of responsibility or priorities. Just like you.

I really didn’t want to get pissed at him, considering up until recently part of me still loved him, or rather loved the him I thought he’d be instead of the him he actually was. But since all he seems able to do is bitch about me to everyone he knows and screw me around in every way he can think of, that part kinda shriveled up and died. I’ve learned more about his character after breaking up with him than I knew while we were still together, and it makes me pretty damn relieved that I didn’t stay with him any longer than I did. If this is how he treats those he supposedly loves, I’m perfectly happy not to be one of them anymore.

Yeah, I bitch about you. But, I believe I have the right. And I think anyone who’s got half a brain would think I do, too. Especially, after everything I went through for you. You didn’t get to see me, because you didn’t stick around long enough for me to get past the last stretch of the seriously stressful shit. I feel a lot better now that I’m not under that kind of pressure, and I’m my old self again. But, you’ll never see that, now. Besides the JoS thing, I can’t see how I’ve been “screwing you around in every way I can think of” … I firmly believe that if I had called John with the intent to get Jason fired, the two of you would’ve known about it plenty before now, because there would’ve been some hellatious repercussions, in that case. But, that’s not how I am, and the fact that you openly display you’re lack of that knowledge just shows me that you really don’t know as much about me as I thought you did.

This verse of the song from the previous entry, is what I found the most ironic:

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope

Because, it’s true. I hate having to be serious so much, on the level that I am. But, there’s nothing I can do about it. No one else would step up and take on the things that I have to deal with. But, it’s okay. I can see the point where things are starting to come together, for me. Especially, after today. And I really wish I could’ve shared with you the feeling I had today when I realized how much closer we are to completing our goal, but you deprived me of that. You deprived you of that. And that’s fine, because if you’re really so much happier now, I wish you all the luck in the world, but I will not sit here and take the kind of slander you put up about me without even acknowledging the parts where you faulted the relationship. I made everyone very aware of both times I fucked up. They’re in the note, they’re in the previous entries, and I told everyone I talked to about it. So, where’s yours? I admitted my mistakes… Where’s yours?